Soul Amputation

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deanna
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Soul Amputation

Post by deanna » Thu Mar 25, 2010 2:16 pm

Darkness. Slow awareness. Feeling light, floaty, strange. Where am I? Why am I Here? Starting to remember today is the day of the surgery. Starting to be able to see now. At first just light. Then shadows. Coming into clearer focus. I can see the doctors below me. Some one is on the table. Can almost see. Wait. Wait. Clearer now. Some how? It’s me. Don’t know how I can see this but there I am. Cutting now can see my groin splayed open. Can see the hemorrhaging of blood. Of blood and of money can see the blood/money being washed off . Vacuumed up .Great gobs of it. And yet we are still just at the skin deeper they cut. Can feel the pain now. Shouldn’t feel the pain but somehow I do. The pain, the sweet pain has been my companion for all these years somehow it just feels natural that it should be here with me now towards the end . Deeper now they cut. In to the medical waste I see go my job and the job before that. Cutting slowly more jobs after that. Deeper still, out of me comes friends. Some I have grown up with some more recent but many friends. And deeper yet my house and with it more of the blood/money . And yet something new, time. All the wasted time. Time seem to flow like water from a faucet. Threatening to flood the room. Threatening to overwhelm the room. Threatening to end it all. So much of it and all wasted . But the cutting isn’t over next I see my mother being removed something I never thought I would see so casually pitched aside with the other medical waste . And close behind comes my sister then an aunt, a cousin, most all the family I was born into. But deeper still they cut. I hear them say something about needing more room still. Out comes more, more of the past I made it thru . The mistakes ,the regrets all the what if’s . I see it now. Funny doesn’t look like much small, dark, cloudy, sort of sick looking. Is this what a soul is supposed to look like? Some thing so inconsequential . But still just that thought that it/him is being removed from inside me makes a little smile go across my heart. Even so somehow upon looking at the carnage I can’t help but morn for it/him all the things removed, all the waste. The doctors talk about how efficient the surgery is. How almost all the tissue is reused but still the carnage remains, all the waste. They are cleaning up now. I can see something . A light? Small, white , bright , clear . My soul? The one that was being covered up , smothered , Killed by the small dark one that was removed . But growing quickly almost quicker than the doctors can sew me back up. Now I see why so much had to be removed . The pain is gone now .For the first time that I can remember pain my constant companion is gone . But still I morn not for the loss of the dark cloudy soul but for the way it was treated . For the shortened existence it had .For the loss of it and so many other things that were lost. But still the light grows. Glowing now not just where I was cut but through my whole body. Dimmer things are getting dimmer. Like I am getting farther away . Am I dying ? Not sure , not sure of anything. Only one thing I am sure of .That even if I die now somehow it’s ok because for the first time ever I am finally alive

deanna
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Joined: Thu Mar 25, 2010 3:48 am

Re: Soul Amputation

Post by deanna » Thu Mar 25, 2010 2:42 pm

This was actually my take on a piece of art made by a friend of mine

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