The boy who never was..

[kellys]

The boy who never was..

From external appearances, he had a fairly normal childhood for a boy.. Sure, he had more friends who were girls than might be considered normal, his grandmother used to paint his fingernails when she was doing hers, but on the whole he appeared a fairly normal boy.. However, he didn't act like one and as a result was bullied and rejected for his behaviour. This caused him to be ashamed of himself, because he knew he wasn't what he appeared. Then came puberty - and what a horrifying experience that was for him.. He grew hair in places he didn't think it should, his genitals enlarged and starting doing things that freaked him out. His voice deepened. He became even more ashamed of himself..

High School came along and he 'learnt' to behave more like the guy he was supposed to be - but that required that he suppress his true self. Despite his 'learned' behaviours, he was still bullied and ridiculed because he didn't fit the male stereotype - not even close.. He managed to survive HS, mostly due to having found alcohol.. Suicide was a frequent concept that pervaded his thoughts..

Post High School, he discovered drugs.. They gave him a peer group that really didn't pay too much attention to who or what he was.. It was at this time he snuck off to hide in the gay community - he thought that might be his answer.. It wasn't, but it did give him somewhere to hide and further suppress who he was.

Throughout his 20's he became more and more depressed, less and less human. And although he managed to have employment during most of this time, it was never long term, as his depression and anxiety impacted his ability to work.. He also withdrew from family and friends.. This went on until his mid-30's.. He had sought treatment for his depression on many occasions, but none of the prescribed drugs ever really helped and he was always to ashamed to mention what he thought the core issues were. Nor did any of the 'recreational' drugs he took help either - they just mostly helped him stay too wasted to care..

He stumbled along like this through his early 30's and into his mid-30's.. Then he reached a point that even his family was considering sending him for psychiatric help - but he had already decided to do that himself, because he could no longer suppress his true self or lie to his family and friends..

What was the lie? The lie was that he was a guy.. Sure, he had a male body, a body that had caused him intense distress, confusion and anxiety over the years.. But he was never a man, no matter how hard he had tried.. Never had a successful relationship - either as a gay man or a straight man.. Despite the body he had been born in, he was a woman.

She thinks like a woman, acts like a woman, talks like a woman, hurts like a woman and is a woman in all but 1 respect - her body. She sought therapy with a psychiatrist.. After many sessions, over many months, she was diagnosed with Gender Identity Disorder. She was referred to another specialist, who administers her hormone treatments - something that has done what no other drug treatment had ever done for her before, it made her feel happy.. It enabled her to function like a normal human being. OK, there is still an issue with the body, but the dysphoria is reduced to a level that can be dealt with.. Her life isn't perfect and never will be, but who's really is? She still has a long way to go in living her dreams, but she has taken the first few steps.

[marissa_h]

crying so hard right now. i swear you were talking about me. i know its not a choice but a necessity however it still takes a great deal of courage to transition and for that i admire you. i really hope through further chats we can become good friends. i need and would very much enjoy and appreciate having such a strong woman in my life to share my experiences with. good luck to you with everything.