Wat our fallen friends can all tell us, if we listen.

Poems and stories written by our chatroom friends who want to share their feelings

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emf1977
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Wat our fallen friends can all tell us, if we listen.

Post by emf1977 » Fri Sep 21, 2012 11:49 am

For all of those out there who have fallen before us, they thought they knew....but they didn't. They thought it would make them happy, complete, solve all their problems. No, it didn't. All it brought for them was more torment - only much worse this time. Enough so, to end it for themselves, and become amongst the fallen. Was wat they thought was a lie, a facade, actually the truth? And they didn't know it? How do u know exactly? What is the truth and what is the lie. and do u really know the difference?

There was once a real life friend of mine named Jackie Fullerton. Before that, she was called Austin. Austin seemed at the surface, to be a giddy, happy go lucky, gay man. Someone i adored so very much. We hung out a lot, often critiquing others, often shopped, so we would not be critiqued ourselves. It is true, most gay men DO have a great fashion sense. My friend Austin sure did. There was something about him however he did not want to share with me though.... not at first. He was actually a she, just like me. Or so she thought. She came out, and i thought it was great. Two long years go by, both of us struggling together. Both of us saw the world here in Minnesota as women now... saw everything there was to be offered. Then miraculously. her bitter grandmother, whom she never saw eye to eye with, sees the light, passes away and Jackie has $25,000 new to her bank account. Woo Hoo!! She goes to Neenah Wisconsin and sees Dr. Schrang for a SRS consultation. "Awesome" she thought, out loud to me. She might finally be able to get the vagina and bigger breasts of her dreams. Six months later that dream became a reality. I was jealous, so very jealous... but extremely happy for her at the same time. The sadness though soon followed....... Two months later, she disappears, completely out of the blue, just like my girlfriend did, when I came out to her in 2005. No goodbye, no hug, nothing. I was completely devastated. Last year in 2011, Jackie shows up, strung out on drugs. She moves into my apartment building, right down the hall I might add. A total mess though of the woman, the friend I once knew. She said she was sorry to me one day. The next.... building management finds her dead in the stairwell. A needle still in her arm and a slash on her wrist. Her blood sticky on the stairs.

Do we really know wat the truth is? Can we be for certain that SRS is the right thing to do for those of us who really want it? I still feel for myself, like SRS is wat I need eventually, but it wont solve my problems, I know that. It wont be an end all solution. I DO believe though that it will make me happy one day, to finally have wat I was meant to have in the first place. But my anxiety and depression will still be there. Even after its all said and done. I wont end up like my friend Jackie. I know the difference.

MascariaDark
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Re: Wat our fallen friends can all tell us, if we listen.

Post by MascariaDark » Mon Feb 24, 2014 5:11 pm

wow incredible story and so sorry of the outcome i've heard other stories like this of people who could not handle the burden srs caused in the fact that its irreversible makes it that much more important to be sure of what it is you want . I'm glad this hasn't deterred you from your feelings that you hold.

Its true we never know what is real true or fake I compare my own problems to the matrix or inception
and always thinking to myself i'm I and a dream that soon I will wake up from perhaps hooked up to a machine. The fact is we take chances everyday with love , work , friends anything really even sleep but always being or feeling right about those things never help always getting that negative feedback makes you empty to everything. I haven't even transitioned yet or come out to anyone about my feelings except my therapist.

But for some reason i've always attracted bullys , ignorant people because of this fear because of this treatment i'm used to i've opted to not get close to anyone make friends or anything after so many years its what i've become use to the fact that I want to transition is based off a feeling that has always been with me since almost my entire life the things that I do and like as a male signifies to me that I should have or that I need to be a female not only for my look my entire spectrum of an existence depends on it.

Any decision can cause a person to harm themselves depending on the after effects of that decision
which to me would be your strength the peoples you will have to deal with and the location , for example if you get a job and you like the staff there but hate the duties you might be able to bear with it , if you like your duties but dislike the staff you also might be able to deal with it but there is a chance you wont. Now if you dislike the staff and the duties you most likely will not be able to deal with. but there is still a chance if you have a lot of strength and perseverance.

I believe this outlook can be used on anything and its the same for trans its about the people surrounding you and your surroundings then it is ultimately about your strength and goals of course
there is always the possibility of regretting the decision you made but even then strength plays apart and that choice to stay and deal with it or not point blank there is no sure way to know anything until you do it all we can do is go on faith and hope after feelings.

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