Poems and stories written by our chatroom friends who want to share their feelings
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Okay, so I am 30 years old. last year I came to the realization that what I am just can't be right. I have always felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I just didn't know why. I was born female but hated being one of the "girls" or "ladies". I just wanted to hang out with my brother and do stereotypical "boy" things. I would steal his clothes and play with hot wheels instead of the million barbies I got for Christmas. "Girl things" not only didn't appeal to me but made me feel weird. I have always felt like I didn't fit in with my friends that were girls because I didn't do the make up and dresses and I didn't fit in with the boys because well physically I wasn't and it was a distraction. I came out as "lesbian" when I was 14, it made things a little easier but I was still struggling inside for reasons unknown to myself at the time. I remember being so defensive if I was asked if I wanted to be a boy. I was jealous and hateful to people with courage to cut their hair or dress how they felt comfortable. When I was 25 I finally cut my hair and stopped wearing women's clothing all together. I still denied being "transgender" when asked because I still didn't fully understand my feelings. I am now married and I have a very loving and supportive wife but she married a "woman" and this whole thing freaks us both out. Mostly because she doesn't want this transition to change the inside, she isn't concerned with what is going on outside. I feel male, I identify as male to myself but I haven't fully came out. Sometimes I feel like a fake. almost like I just came up with this idea and went with it. I am desperately trying to figure out my own feelings towards change. I am afraid I will lose my wife and step daughter. I am afraid that I am just being crazy. I don't want to push it off to the side but I don't want to disrupt my family's whole life either. Are these normal feelings? its this part of transitioning. I feel like I am doing something wrong but at the same time its how I feel. Sometimes I wish I could have figured this out when I was younger so I could have transitioned before being an adult complicated everything.
You wanted to be a boy, I secretly wanted to be a girl. I crossdressed for years and years and years. I got married and near the end of the marriage I started living separately and dressing up at home 100% of the time. I never left dressed up but once for halloween. My wife died and I returned to my home. I dressed up all the time but never went out. Well life gets really small if you are always by your self so I shared with a girl friend my dressing and it was a good experience. I shared with my hair dresser and she thought it was kool. Then I did something I never thought I would do I went to see my Hair dresser and i dressed up as good as I could. when I got their and she did not recognize me I thought wow. She was impressed as I was self taught by trial and error and watching beauty shows and the shopping network. I decided that going out in the daytime was safer but requires a higher degree of commitment. You have to really pay attention to detail of how women dress and what the wear as usual in your area. You have to learn makeup dress and actions so as not to be unduly noticed. Women I found out looked at me and never seemed to notice or care. i thought this might be due to my age as I presented no challenge or reason to pay attention to me. For what ever there reason it was acceptance. I still had my problem at the house jumping and hidding everytime the door bell rang. I decided I couldn't live my life like that so one by one by one I showed them Jamie and I now don't live in terror of being found out most everybody who comes to the house knows who I am. There is some confusion as I still like to play golf with my working buddies and I do that as a man. I am 71 and not planning any surgeries or physical changes. Plumbing still works and as they say if it ain't broke don't fix it. I do however feel very feminine and like it. I love makeup and dresses and now even pants who new. All I can tell you is trying to suppress those feelings is difficult. Don't let society tell you how you should feel or force you to change your body to conform to some ideal. Liking boy things is just something you are. Use a good as judgement as you can to live your life experiment and see what you want out life. It's your life and you only have a finite time to do it.
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