Learning to Forgive My Biological Self

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erica123
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Learning to Forgive My Biological Self

Post by erica123 » Mon Jun 30, 2014 7:47 am

Learning to Forgive My Biological Self

I’m too tall to be a girl. My shoulders are too broad, my hands are bigger than I would like and MY GOD! MY FEET! Bilbo should have such feet.

I was born biologically male but with a female psyche. For a long time I fixated more on the body and tried to run from my mind, but neither one is going away and both those actions only caused me constant pain, nothing more. The short list I described above (and I assure you it could be longer) is things I could fixate on still, be miserable and curse the universe for those things I can never change. But where does that get me? Nowhere good and that’s the honest poop.

I’m 6’1”. Tall for a girl to be sure and I often find myself the tallest person in the room which made me feel as though I should wear a beacon, or at least a red bandana, to warn off low flying aircraft. At a time when I had much less confidence and only wanted to not be noticed I was like the flag on a wheelchair. Yep, here I come. But in reality don’t a lot the girls want to be model height?

I could fixate on it but who wants to look at a girl with bad posture and looking for the lowest terrain feature to stand in. I’m tall and with that come advantages. I can usually see the parade. I can reach the top shelf, which is really handy, and it’s awesome for when I’m decorating. Rarely do I ever need a step stool. I get to refer to myself as statuesque instead of vertically challenged and now that I have confidence and feel no need to hide, my height says for me without uttering a single word “Yep, here I come.”

Yeah, the broad shoulder thing and larger hands I could do without, (Still looking for those practical uses), but what woman or man, transgender or cis, doesn’t have an aspect or two that we are not totally happy with? You just gotta move on and chalk some things up to what make you unique and not a cookie cutter product of a media driven, image obsessed, throw away world.

(part II below)

Dantor
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Re: Learning to Forgive My Biological Self (part II)

Post by Dantor » Sat Jul 05, 2014 1:09 am

But let’s move on to the feet. Yes the feet. I stare down at these things now and wonder why I’m not more stable than I am but come to think of it, even being a bit clumsy and maybe lacking that certain grace of a dancer, it’s very seldom that I ever fall down. I could ski on these things without the need for renting skies. Which you have to admit is a real money saver. Now I just have to go skiing sometime to take advantage of that discount.

I like to think my feet distract from other things I might not wish people to focus on. If my make up is a bit screwy due to the humidity no big, everyone is looking at my feet anyway. I had thought of getting the clown shoes that squeak when you walk just to strengthen the effect and live for the day when I’m talking to a guy a get to say “Hey buddy! My eyes are up here!”

In the long run, even though they are big, it’s really just a little thing. I of course exaggerate on their size and have been able to find some really cute shoes I get lots of compliments on. Self-deprecating humor is fun and I highly recommend it. A line I like to use is I have the height of an Elf and the feet of a Hobbit. You can’t go wrong with a good Tolkien ref.

In closing, I’m transgender and that’s no big whoop. It just makes me not the average “Joe” that you meet everyday. No better, no worse, than anyone I meet in this world and I love and embrace that I’m a bit different. Growing up, hell, most all of my life, all I wanted to do was fit in, be able to absorb into the crowd and not feel like the drop of oil in a pool of water. But when you look at that pool of water what do you see? The water? Or is it the single drop glistening in the sun with it’s rainbow hue? Who really wants to go through life unnoticed and unremembered? I know many people would shout out “Me!” but people I meet tend to remember me and I find I like being that singe drop with the rainbow hue. Be good to yourself and learn to like, heck, even love yourself. I guarantee it’s much better than the alternative.

With much love,

Erica Elizabeth Ravenwood, June 30, 2014

JaneS
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Re: Learning to Forgive My Biological Self

Post by JaneS » Wed Jan 21, 2015 9:32 pm

I found this a very moving piece Erica. The humour neatly disguises the way you have come to terms with the physical 'who you are'. Often we in the transgender world are led to focus on the emotional 'who am I' and told to just be ourselves yet simply slipping a nice dress over that ridiculously masculine frame isn't always as effective as we'd like.

Thank you for sharing your feelings. I've finally got to a point where, whilst still very conscious of my big feet, large hands and the shoulders of a pro wrestler, I can at least now don that lovely dress or a nice skirt and top and actually 'feel' pretty and feminine. It has been a long journey and I know "it ain't over yet".

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